The Grassrooted Trust director Hans Billimoria,

Clinical psychologist and educator Roshan Dhammapala

• MAS Holdings’ panel discussion explores the impact of gender norms on mental wellbeing 

In commemoration of International Women’s Day on 8 March, MAS Holdings organised a discussion titled “Dare to be fair” on 16 March, with the panellists exploring the impact that traditional systems and gender norms have on the mental wellbeing of both men and women.

The panel consisted of The Grassrooted Trust director Hans Billimoria, clinical psychologist and educator Roshan Dhammapala, and National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) consultant psychiatrist Dr. Mahesan Ganesan, with the discussion moderated by MAS Holdings’ Women Go Beyond General Manager Thanuja Jayawardene.

The event was educational and informative, with the discussion keeping audiences joining in on-site and online engaged throughout.

The patriarchal system

One of the first questions posed by the moderator was on patriarchal systems and how they affect men and women. Referring to the words of United Nations (UN) Secretary-General António Guterres, where he says the patriarchy is fighting back, Billimoria questioned what the patriarchy was fighting back against, if it was equality, and if so, why it was doing so.

To explain his point, Billimoria used an example of a recent incident where a man extorted Rs. 2.6 million from a woman he had been in a relationship with, by threatening to release to the public photographs and videos he had of her.

“Let’s take a look at this in terms of the patriarchal notions that are at play in that example, because what are the patriarchal notions we have about, for example, nudity, especially female nudity? What are the patriarchal notions we have in terms of what we teach our young people about how to treat each other?” Billimoria asked.

He used another example of a question he posed to a child group down south, asking them to raise their hands if they have objectified women using terms like “baduwa” and “kalla” (piece). One boy did raise his hand, but to pose a question of his own: what do these words mean?

Billimoria said that before he could answer this question, the group, aged 10-14, ridiculed the boy for not knowing these words, asking if he was a man. “The normalisation of this kind of language in terms of the objectification of the woman has clearly percolated through to our online spaces in terms of how we behave and how we think once our girlfriends, wives or anyone we are in a relationship with – regardless of gender – share intimate photographs or make intimate videos with. We do that consensually, we do that in love, in trust,” Billimoria said, adding that one must also consider all that we do in terms of expressing ourselves sexually.

“If you want to know where patriarchy is and where we are, I would begin there and examine that framework and see why we treat people the way we do,” he added.

During the discussion, Billimoria also said that you cannot run patriarchy with men alone. “Everybody needs to buy into patriarchy. Patriarchy sold the dummy and everybody bought it.” Speaking about how the earliest forms of worship had a feminine divine, Billimoria said he was of the opinion that patriarchal norms and morals are a power grab.

“So how do we then move the conversation from male-female to a more human conversation and help people understand that in the absence of equity people have had to continually fight for equality? And that it’s okay to be a feminist if you want to,” he said, explaining that people question why there is a need for feminism when we are all equal. “We are not equal. ‘Why do you need to separate LGBTIQ+ in Sri Lanka if we are all equal, and we are all citizens?’ No. We are clearly not. The laws say we are not.”

“Am I a good parent?”

Exploring how gender norms affect the parent-child relationship, Roshan Dhammapala shared that stereotypes about good mothers and good fathers are based not on earned skills or competencies, but are an imposed set of behaviours, attitudes, and practices that an individual must fit into. 

“One perhaps frequently encountered structure is the woman as a mother, but I would broaden it, to say woman as primary caregiver of children, meaning they are held entirely responsible for the wellbeing of children, their education, health, behaviour, attitudes, and relationships towards others,” Dhammapala said.

She added that this is one way in which we are cast into roles, and by doing so, others are excluded. “Here is this child with a father who is an equally competent person or adult who cares for the child, wants to protect the child, and wants to have a relationship with this child. But they are not invited to the table as equals. We place this entire burden of care on one parent who we hold responsible if this child malfunctions in some way. We do not in any way feel the father needs to be a participant in that.”

The father is seen as a helper, assistant or a support, she said, but not an equal participant. This pushes women to be a caregiver to a child without the father, which then leads to postpartum depression and such conditions, which are caused by the biological shift the woman’s body goes through, but is also fuelled by these beliefs, and the fear of not being a good mother.

“You don’t often meet fathers who present that. They are worried about other things; Am I a good provider? But not: Am I a good caregiver to my child? And I question why you would exclude this person who is probably the next most suited adult to provide care to a child from being equally accountable?” Dhammapala asked.

Referring to a project that looked at fatherhood and the relationship of fathers participating in the caregiving role with children, Dhammapala said the study found that this particular relationship benefits the father just as much as the child. “And I think that’s critical because the father feels more connected to the family, has a particular role of function, is needed beyond providing money, which alienates men from families.”

She explained that it could also reduce the use of violence as a source of problem solving between husband and wife, because of the father’s attachment to the child and the understanding of the distress his behaviour towards his wife could cause his child.

“It brings us to this point of why we look at men like they can’t be providers of care for their young, because they can, and they do. We do witness that, but also encounter new fathers who are nervous about stepping in,” she said, adding that many are worried about doing as fabulous a job as the mother, forgetting that women are not born with these skills but enter the role with fear and learn how to do it.

Dhammapala added that we tend to guard our roles and our territory, which excludes others and prevents parents from sharing equal roles in caregiving.

Sharing his thoughts on this topic, Billimoria said: “I am a father and I’m very hands on. I completely understand because I feel excluded… I feel excluded because if there’s something that needs to be communicated, and we live in a kind of a village setup and a village brings up a child, it’s always communicated to the mother, even if I’m there and the mother is not.” 

Constructive ways of showing emotion

Dr. Ganesan shared his opinions and views as a psychiatrist, talking about safe spaces for men to engage with their emotions in a constructive way. He explained that just as women feel pressure to aspire to be the “ideal woman”, men too, face a similar pressure. 

“Men are supposed to be a particular way. They are supposed to behave in a particular way; Not show their emotions, earn money to provide, earn more than the woman to provide, be assertive, be aggressive, and be violent, even, and these are all considered what normal men should be,” Dr. Ganesan said.

He went on to explain that a man who isn’t “manly enough” by these arbitrary standards has to try very hard to fit in, which he may do by being aggressive. This is learnt from childhood, which puts a huge pressure on men. “Men commit suicide more than women. And men take alcohol as a way of coping with the stress,” he said, adding that men who are not very assertive or are uncomfortable with talking then resort to alcohol and being aggressive, to show the rest of society that they are a man now.

This is done while hurting themselves and hurting their family as well, Dr. Ganesan shared.

He also spoke about biases, saying they act on small-scale violence. This is called microaggression, which Dr. Ganesan said are small comments or statements that sound like compliments but aren’t (i.e. “you did a good job for a woman”). However, most who commit microaggressions aren’t actually aware that they are doing something wrong.

Despite this, the victim suffers a lot because of them, and even if they are not aware of the aggression, it unconsciously seeps in. So, when it comes to the example cited above, a woman would then have to set higher standards to be seen as an equal.

“Microaggressions come from biases that we have deep inside. We have two types of biases; one is called explicit bias, where one purposefully wants to put somebody down. Then there is the implicit bias, or unconscious bias, where we have accumulated information from childhood, our workplace, our friends, and what we see at home. These are inbuilt and most often they come out without us even realising it,” Dr. Ganesan said.

There is no gender to vulnerability

Continuing the conversation on aggression and violence, Dhammapala said that we tend to stereotype women as vulnerable and needing support. But we don’t see men as being vulnerable, despite there being no evidence to support these beliefs.

“Starting with child abuse, for example, there is quite a high number of male children who are exploited by older boys, men and women. This is not in the tourist belt, but by people known to them, family, and people in authority. Vulnerability is something unique to us as people. Men and women, boys and girls, both are very vulnerable,” she said.

Dhammapala went on to say that we don’t permit men to say this, and we don’t see boys as needing to say they have been abused, as the law itself defines statutory rape as the sexual exploitation of a girl below 16 years. “So here we are, failing one half of our population and controlling and restricting the other half.”

In terms of issues with increasing female labour participation, Dhammapala said this could also be because we see women as requiring protection, needing them to be kept close to home and back before dark.

While these beliefs act as obstacles in society, they may also act as a barrier when accessing mental health services. Dhammapala explained that mental health service providers may also have to recognise that they too, are entrenched in these views. 

She questioned if a mental health professional responds the same way when a man discusses, for instance, suicidal tendencies versus when a woman does so. Dhammapala added: “Do we recognise our bias in mental health services? Because we may be the barrier in men and women accessing support equitably.”