In 2023, ‘All of Us Strangers’ was released. It is a poignant British romantic fantasy film directed by Andrew Haigh. The film is inspired by Taichi Yamada’s 1987 novel ‘Strangers’ and weaves a captivating tale of newfound love and the lingering shadows of the past. Anchored by powerful performances from Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal, it explores the profound depths of human connection and the complexities of emotional vulnerability.
Scott plays the role of Adam, a struggling screenwriter who is dealing with a script based on his turbulent childhood. Stuck and uninspired in his London apartment, two things shake things up: a connection with his neighbour Harry (played by Mescal), who offers comfort in their lonely building, and a trip to his childhood home in suburban Dorking, where Adam has a strange meeting with his dead parents (played by Claire Foy and Jamie Bell). His parents appear frozen in time, exactly as they were when they tragically died 30 years ago, when Adam was just a kid.
Scott delivers an exceptional performance, the heart and soul of the movie. He brings remarkable depth to the story, seamlessly balancing the fantastical elements with his character’s raw emotions. The audience is drawn into Adam’s world, experiencing his confusion, grief, and ultimately, his tentative steps towards healing. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge Mescal’s exceptional portrayal as well. Their on-screen chemistry fuels the film’s exploration of love, loss, and the blurred lines between reality and fantasy.
A twist that unravels a universal longing
At the end, ‘All of Us Strangers’ delivers a powerful twist that leaves a lasting impact. This pivotal moment unveils the film’s central theme; our intense yearning for the approval of loved ones who are no longer with us. As Adam grapples with unresolved emotions, the story resonates deeply. He desperately seeks solace from his parents, even though they exist only in his memories. The film portrays the complexities of grief with sensitivity, particularly the enduring need for parental validation that transcends death itself. It prompts reflection on our own vulnerabilities and the profound human need for connection, a force that transcends even the boundaries of life and loss.
The enduring need for parental approval
The film explores the deep-rooted psychological and emotional need for parental acceptance. From our earliest moments, we form strong attachment bonds with our caregivers, especially our parents. These bonds provide a sense of security and belonging, and their approval acts as a crucial form of validation that shapes our self-worth and identity.
As our first teachers, parents impart societal norms, values, and expectations. Seeking their acceptance aligns with our desire to conform to these standards. They are often our primary source of emotional support, offering reassurance, comfort, and guidance. Ultimately, seeking acceptance from them fulfils our fundamental need for connection, validation, and support from those who wield significant influence in our lives. This, in turn, contributes to our overall sense of wellbeing and belonging.
Grieving an unfulfilled longing
The longing for parental acceptance persists even after their passing. It’s a deeply human experience and a natural part of the grieving process. Recognising this desire as common can be incredibly comforting, offering a sense of ease in knowing it’s okay to feel this way. While validation from our parents would undoubtedly bring comfort, it’s ultimately crucial to develop our own sense of self-worth. Reflecting on our achievements, values, and strengths empowers us to define our individuality and build a strong sense of self-belief.
If your parents were loving and supportive in life, trust that their acceptance was inherent in their love. Their affection and encouragement can continue to shape your identity, serving as a guiding force as you navigate your path forward.
In the movie, Adam’s character subtly reveals this deep-seated longing for parental acceptance on multiple levels, despite his mysterious past. His fantastical encounter with his deceased parents hints at unresolved emotional baggage, while his struggle with a childhood-based script and the solace he finds in their presence suggest a need for their validation. This longing may extend beyond his life choices to include his sexuality. Adam’s emotional vulnerability and the depth he brings to the role hint at a past marked by a lack of parental approval, impacting his present relationships, his search for connection, and possibly even his comfort level with his own identity.
A journey of self-discovery and acceptance
Grieving the need for parental approval is a deeply personal journey, encompassing a wide range of emotions and impacting our sense of self and relationships. This experience can trigger a surge of emotions, including the deep sadness of loss and the emptiness that comes with not receiving validation from parents. There can be a mix of simmering anger and resentment, coupled with feelings of shame and guilt combined with the desire for acceptance. This quest for approval can significantly impact self-esteem, influencing life choices made in the pursuit of external validation rather than genuine self-expression.
‘All of Us Strangers’ beautifully portrays how connections, both new and cherished, offer solace in different ways. While Adam finds companionship and understanding with Harry, memories of his parents bring him a different kind of peace. Even though they’re gone, reflecting on them helps him process his feelings and find closure. The film masterfully blurs the line between reality and imagination, particularly when Adam encounters his parents.
If you find yourself struggling with a similar need for acceptance, whether from deceased or living parents, know that you are not alone. Mental health professionals can provide invaluable support in exploring these feelings and building a strong sense of self-acceptance.
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If you feel that you or someone you know may be affected by this content or may require help, the following institutions would assist you:
The National Institute of Mental Health: 1926
Sri Lanka Sumithrayo: 0112 682 535
Courage Compassion Commitment (CCC) Foundation: 1333
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(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 11 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)