The drawing in the article was created by a nine-year-old boy who has been facing bullying and is now exhibiting school-refusal behaviours. During a session with his therapist, he expressed his aspiration to become an inventor as he grows up, with a vision to create machines that can aid humanity. When the therapist prompted him to design a machine that could alleviate his current struggles, he eagerly took time to illustrate and explain his creation.
The therapist inquired about the machine’s function, and the boy described it as a device capable of erasing a person’s “painful memories”. According to him, all someone needed to do was wear the helmet, choose the memories to be deleted, and press the delete button. He believes that eliminating painful memories could resolve his problems. This sentiment isn’t unique to him; it’s something many of us wish for at times.
In the 2004 movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a similar technique was used to eliminate painful memories. In the movie, the memory removal procedure involves a fictional technology where individuals can undergo a process to erase specific memories from their minds. The story follows Joel Barish (played by Jim Carry) and Clementine Kruczynski (played by Kate Winslet), who undergo this procedure to erase memories of their unstable and emotionally turbulent relationship after a painful breakup. The memories are selectively targeted and removed, allowing individuals to forget specific experiences or people entirely. The movie explores themes of love, memory, and the complexities of human relationships, raising questions about whether erasing painful memories truly resolves underlying emotional issues or merely suppresses them.
A device capable of erasing painful memories, designed by a nine-year-old boy facing bullying
Can painful memories be forgotten?
Painful memories can be processed, managed, and their impact lessened over time through various psychological mechanisms. However, whether they completely “go away” depends on how one defines that phrase. Some individuals can consciously suppress painful memories, choosing not to dwell on or actively recall them. This suppression might create a sense of distance or reduction in the immediate emotional impact of the memory. But these memories might still linger in the subconscious and can resurface under certain circumstances, affecting emotions and behaviours.
Regarding repression, the idea that memories are entirely blocked from conscious recall remains a subject of debate among psychologists. While some propose that traumatic memories can be repressed and inaccessible to conscious awareness, others argue that even if not consciously recalled, these memories might still influence a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
When does it become a problem?
Painful memories can develop into a significant problem when they begin to profoundly disrupt daily life. One notable indicator is their intrusive nature, constantly invading thoughts and hindering concentration, which may hinder engagement in regular activities. Emotional distress is another sign, as these memories often evoke intense feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger or sadness, significantly affecting an individual’s ability to function optimally. Engaging in avoidance behaviours is common when grappling with painful memories. Actively sidestepping places, individuals, or situations associated with these memories can become a coping mechanism.
Furthermore, if these memories start to significantly hinder work, relationships, or overall wellbeing, preventing someone from leading a fulfilling life, it could suggest a deeper issue at play. Physical symptoms might also manifest due to chronic stress from these memories. Sleep disturbances, headaches or other stress-related ailments could indicate the extent of their impact.
Particularly concerning is when these memories contribute to feelings of hopelessness, persistent thoughts of self-harm, or even suicidal ideation demanding immediate attention and support. Recognising these signs is highly important. Seeking guidance from mental health professionals offers tailored strategies to manage these memories and alleviate their profound influence on everyday life. Acknowledging the problem and taking proactive steps toward seeking help is an important initial stride toward healing and recovery.
Seeking help
It is important to remember that recalling painful events is a natural function of the mind. But when these thoughts start disrupting your daily life, there are strategies that can offer relief. Therapeutic interventions, like psychotherapy, are designed to assist individuals in processing and reframing these memories. The goal is to reduce their emotional impact over time, gradually diminishing the intensity of associated emotions. While some memories may retain a lasting impact, they often become less distressing with this approach.
How does therapy help?
Therapy serves as a multifaceted tool in helping individuals navigate and cope with painful memories. Through a therapeutic process, individuals are guided to revisit and confront these memories in a safe and supportive environment. Therapists employ various techniques to aid in processing and reframing these memories. By revisiting these experiences from different angles and perspectives, the emotional charge linked to the memories can gradually diminish over time.
Moreover, therapy equips individuals with tools to regulate overwhelming emotions tied to these memories. Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, or progressive relaxation are taught to mitigate emotional distress. Cognitive restructuring is another key aspect, aiming to challenge and replace negative thought patterns associated with the memories. This helps in cultivating more adaptive and realistic beliefs, altering the perception and impact of these experiences on one’s life.
Therapists also utilise exposure therapy or techniques like eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) to gradually desensitise individuals to the emotional intensity of traumatic memories. This controlled exposure allows for the processing and reprocessing of associated emotions, contributing to their decreased impact over time. Beyond addressing the memories directly, therapy assists in building coping strategies. This involves developing skills in problem-solving, communication, and stress reduction to manage distress when these memories resurface.
Ultimately, therapy aims to help individuals integrate these memories into their life story, fostering a sense of healing and resilience. It offers a structured and supportive environment for understanding, processing, and alleviating the impact of painful memories on an individual’s present life. Remember, seeking help is a positive step. Taking time to navigate these emotions is important, as everyone’s journey in managing painful memories is unique. Discovering the strategies that work best for you might require patience and exploration.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 10 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)